Brutal

I haven't seen the inside of the lincoln center mercedes benz fashion week tents yet. I consider this season an absolute failure. The number of castings I went to was between 15 and 25. My days before this week were busy and anxiety stricken. Now I know I was not selected so a new wave of anxious worries drifts into place.

I walked in one show and had a bad day so I missed my second booked show. The third show I was confirmed for, I called the day before the show to confirm timing and they said I was too euro/skinny/high fashion AKA they fucked up at the casting and when the designer saw me at his fitting he said no. These weeks have passed and I feel that I've given my heart to a goal which in the present has gotten me no where. Feelings of failure, disappointment, and fatigue have set in.

I have realized the significance of energies and patterns. A few days ago I was hustled into a -$20 bank balance. I was walking past two guys early in the morning. They went to both of my sides rather than pairing up while passing me. As they passed, the man to my right hit my shoulder and a conflict was the outcome to this impact.

As we made contact he dropped the bag that was in his hand. I looked back merely because I heard a loud noise: my head phones were on at full volume so you can tell I was unable to hear noises beyond the headphones. The man runs up to me and says "Yo you broke my bottle of whiskey". I told him that I was sorry but he bumped into me and dropped his shit.

I could smell the booze on his breath and he was swaying back and forth so I knew he was already drunk and there was no chance to reason with him. I took out my wallet and showed him that I only had two dollars and said that I was broke. He went on some rant how he was not playing games and that if I didn't pay him wed settle this here. He put his hands up and got in my face like someone getting ready to fight and his partner was slowly walking towards me.

First thing I thought was that I could definitely smash him in the face and out run him. But then I thought responsibly and said to myself no. This is a block from where I live and I cannot start a war. I bit the bullet and with his recommendation/command we went to the atm and I withdrew $20. It was a really shitty situation.

With my lack of shows and this bad energy around me I'm worried that these are signs. Perhaps it is a test to see if I will quit. The truth is always out of sight it seems. To make things worse I now have a cold and haven't been able to sleep which prevents me from looking presentable. What to do? What to do?!

Carry on...tomorrow is another day.